Wake Up And Remember: Everything,

2011-11-07T13:40:00.001-08:00

maybe when we decided to decide what we want to do with this life of ours that we are completing together you can let me know what you have decided you decided together (alone). i am rinsing my hands of forgotten values and ends, to which you have masked with your spacious leaf like grin.

2011-11-05T23:15:00.001-07:00

Cocaine Statistics

1 out of 4 Americans between the age of 26 and 34 have used cocaine in their lifetime.

According to the Minnesota Institute for Public Health and drug prevention resource center, 5,000 adults in the United States try cocaine for the first time each day. (1985)

Today it is estimated that 22 to 25 million people have tried cocaine at least once. Conservative estimates indicate that there are over two million cocaine addicts in the United States today.

Contrary to earlier belief high dose use of cocaine can be detected as long as 10 to 22 days after last use.

Near half of all drug related emergency room visits are due to cocaine abuse.

The annual number of new cocaine users has generally increased over time. In 1975 there were 30,000 new users. The number increased from 300,000 in 1986 to 361,000 in 2000.

Rates of cocaine use by college students over the previous 5 years has varied between 2.0% of all students in 1994 to 4.8% in 2000.

Of high school seniors in 2001, 8.2% reported having ever used cocaine.

From 1997 to 2000 cocaine was the most common drug reported in emergency room episodes.

Cocaine use among men is almost twice then women. Based upon additional data sources, the office of National Drug Control Policy estimates the number of chronic cocaine users at 3.6 million.

Adults 18 to 25 years of age currently have the highest percentage of cocaine use than any other age group.

90% of cocaine users smoked, drank, or used marijuana before trying cocaine.

In 1988, about 300,000 infants were born addicted to cocaine.

fuck your feel good bull-shit.

2011-11-05T23:07:00.001-07:00

so much pain felt in months. the days cease to collide. i am breathing deeper now. avoiding at all costs, the feeling that i feel when i FEEL. more fucked up, than ever before. i am angry. this hurt that continues to plague my skin. it consumes what is left of my ache and my pain.
FEELMESOTENDER. with your loving hands, i fail to commit adultery. although i know, i know him and it would be that easy. you wont ever keep a promise, i won't ever commit a sin. and i am paying for your mistakes, in him. he is small and ever so loving. and i mean threads to him. acres and miles. he is my everything and all, and i am his next of kin. believe it when i tell you, i have nothing else within.
IMNOTDRUGGED AND I SHOULDBE
IM NOT ON DRUGS CAUSE THEY FAIL ME
IM NOT DRUGS AND I SHOULD BE
IM NOT ON DRUGS CAUSE I SHOULD BE
IM NOT ON DRUGS AND I NEED TO
IM SELF MEDITATING MY MEANS TO
SURVIVE.

im'back

2011-11-05T23:05:00.001-07:00

it is where it is. and we consume. her and i. we and him. him and her. we and them. i wish for a simplicity that isn't under oath. we blame eachother for the faults that are within. he brings trouble to the life which is him. and as she crosses the street, her limbs are no longer in tact. she is dragged, and remembered as such. poor elderly heart. i feel his remorse in my veins.
and she cries,
im sorry old friend, im sorry again.

2011-05-01T17:13:00.002-07:00

Thank you for everything, last night....everyone.
It is nice knowing, I will be so dearly missed.

BE BACK OH SO SOON!

2011-05-01T17:13:00.001-07:00

happy birthday, best friend.

2011-05-01T17:09:00.001-07:00

ive sat by the weak and weary
ive fed him while he couldnt move
i met the demon of cancer
in young and old
ive sat with the addict
and told him in strengths
i believed in what could be
ive sat amongst the survivors
who saw their lovers die
and ive held their hand
and looked to the sky
as if to say "I'll see you soon, oh loved one"

hardship, after hardship, after hardship.
and to think-these were the people closest to me

ive sat around weeping too many days,
and now i am much too strong for your pettiness.

2011-05-01T17:06:00.001-07:00

reality sinks in
and moments come so quick
i am afraid again
afraid to leave and soon i will be afraid to come home
i am so happily in love
years and years counting
i believe in our future
and this time it is
so much harder

2011-05-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

you do not know me, and you are harsh to judge
which makes me giggle at the limited passion you ensue
i am floating beyond your trapped space and mind
i am nothing like you, you are there correct
i am honest, and true
and take time to know the real person inside
if you are there, with me
you will always be there
and if anyone ever hurts you, i am there from now on
to speak word, to fight fires
to live and to die
i will never use you, or abuse you
and i will always go out of my way, if you are hurting
i do not use friendship, to benefit myself, but only to better myself

and that is the difference between us,
and i am quite content, being nothing like you.

2011-04-24T19:03:00.001-07:00

and all i am in wanting is for the snow to stop falling in my windows in july.

2011-04-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

speckled skin and freckled mind
someday i will remember how hard i worked
to obtain some sense of entitlement (no judgment, please)
all i wanted was to impress,
those who never deserved a moment of my time.
how silly, and how happy
i have finally become.
of course there are trials, and tribulations of many
but no longer do i possess the urge

"you're boring"
"unoriginal"
"tasteless"
"pathetic"
"self absorbed"

although all of these items exist in reality
they will stay hidden inside him

2011-04-24T18:58:00.001-07:00

its so sure, i am sure.
you are so unsure, of yourself.
excited to never be out there in the wooden forests again
i used to release, but now i am living inside myself
in wonder.
where has the time taken me?
all i wanted was a little more time, but how can we ever
make more time
for ourselves, less one another.
i am ready, for my final goodbye to the sinking dirt and
moldy terrains and
broken sticks and thorns stuck in my skin.
you've never seen the dirt travel so far up
up up, and away.

2011-02-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

I just want to give him what he wants,
But he doesn't even try for it
He wants it to fall into his lap like leaves.
I want him to have it,
But life has a funny way of showing you
When you deserve it.
We cannot start our lives,
Until it is accomplished.
And all the other boys, say har dee har har.
And my womb breathes deeply
In regret and sorrow.

2011-02-27T09:02:00.001-08:00

I listen to the wind
to the wind of my soul
Where I'll end up well I think,
only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but
they fall far below
I let my music take me where
my heart wants to go
I swam upon the devil's lake
But never, never never never
I'll never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never

2011-02-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

enclosed with no memory of what is or ever will be i forget in sands where i was or ever have been but i remember to tell you that i will never kiss you the same, again.

2011-02-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

survival of the fattest,

2011-02-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

to what do i owe this embarrassment?
he shames me, so lovingly
i can't remember a time where I was okay with how it was unraveling in front of my brown swollen eyes
MAKE PEACE
with me my lover, and tell me where I am coming from
(because sometimes I forget where I am coming from)
Its meaningless,
I held your truth-filled lies so deeply in my heart
Teach me how to forgive you,
When it feels like every day I am trying to forgive you.

Who will ever be good enough for swollen teeth and hearts and eyes?
Why can't I forgive myself for wallowing myself into ecstasy and denial?
My body rejects the chemical, before my mind does.
And you love him so, you love him for the comfort of feeling home.
And where he takes you and makes you hold his hand again and again.

"You don't need him!" is all I can scream in the back of my mind when I am without.
What hypocrites we bleed,
What contradictions we entail.

2011-02-14T09:42:00.000-08:00

so many days have created so many conversations that we have in depth(in passing) i run a million miles every day and break the bank thinking of how to get out of something that i am totally submersed in. forget to take me away from here and leave me in the back in a cage(ive always lived in a cage) im used to you (im used to me) and the tendencies keep flying off the shelves.

2011-02-07T17:04:00.001-08:00

and in the little moments,
just when i think im alone
he breathes his liquid breathe on me

2011-01-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

its the little emotions
the silent smiles
touching the back of my neck with your nose

its the anger
and raising of voices
bringing me to assumptions

don't tell me, where i have done wrong, when you have hurt so many
i know i am wrong,
i admit it to him

you are not friendly, not friend, not foe
don't use him anymore, for your pleasure
and we wont speak loudly anymore

2011-01-16T13:24:00.001-08:00

lightly pressed,
skin on skin
perfect snowflakes falling on my father's old rimmed hat
his eyes are blue, bluer than the sea
bluer than i've ever been
even in those five years
long lasting reservoir
its the "best view in town"

marry merry, everywhere.

2011-01-06T07:02:00.001-08:00

sometimes it is hard to remember why you are here..why you keep retracing footsteps over paths that you already know where they lead to. occasionally i forget to look where im stepping, and i trip, and i fall, and i patiently await the arrival of something catastrophic to bring me back into reality once more because that is where my life has chosen to feel comfort. as i grow older, i realize that there are many different kinds of lives that graze this earth, but only three that i find substantial:

1/ Floaters.
Everyone knows the type, she's the friend of the friend that has never worked a day in her life...you know what i mean...never REALLY worked. she complains and complains about how tough life is, and yet-has never really felt an ounce of pain. The type that enjoys lingering around the fact that they had lost somebody once (maybe) or that they have depression, but will never seek help because it is mundane, and insincere. They choose to start issues that do not matter, in order to feel important...and all comments and expressions of love are depicted as boring, and untrue.

2/ Drifters.
These are the people who you can't help but love. They haven't experienced much to this day, but that is no fault of their own. They travel lightly, but generally they have been raised with good morals and they have meaning in their words when they really feel something happening. They are generally happy, but find anger/sadness in matters that are inconsequential. Harmless to many, but really unaware of how little emotion they have to express sometimes.

3/ Rowers.
These are the try-hards. The never going to be satisfied with the little things in life kind-of-people. They need adventure, and even when adventure is unable to perform in their current situation-their life takes an adventure all their own. They accept life obstacles for how they are given, and respect the decisions of the gods. They embrace their emotion enough to where it becomes obnoxious and meaningless...until they reach an age where acceptance is beyond control in order to live a life without completely and udderly falling apart.

Somedays I feel like I cannot choose which one I am.

2011-01-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

Aunt D,
No longer will the pain linger,
You will be missed dearly.

R.I.P Godmother,

2010-12-30T18:49:00.000-08:00

new years resolutions,

1) laugh more
2) smoke less
3) pick up the guitar daily
4) glow, but with shadow

2010-12-30T18:48:00.000-08:00

and it was daddy,
that got drowned in,

out in that deep, blue, sea

2010-12-29T23:34:00.000-08:00

2010-12-29T23:27:00.001-08:00

another dollar for the penny jar,
we are feeling ill
i dont find myself searching past the fences anymore
i have a new swag in my sway
im waiting to feel the high again
we are taking what we can-until tomorrow,
so strange, so strangely satisfying
until yesterday

2010-12-29T23:26:00.000-08:00

it is happy.
i am happy.
we are
satisfied.

2010-12-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

And i do not know if you, know just what you have done

2010-12-16T09:23:00.000-08:00

oh, my heart
breaking so subtle
into fractions of memories
i lay in the shadows of the drawn curtains
and peek for hopes of simplicity
where has my mind taken me?
i cannot love like mountains anymore
i cannot love like mountains anymore
i cannot love like mounterrains anymore

2010-12-12T19:09:00.001-08:00

meet me in the snow covered path
behind the stone blue building
there i will admit to you my sins
and confess my love again
beneath the frozen window panes
you will kiss me
and i will feel nothing

trust

2010-12-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

thank you,
thank you for,
thank you for this opportunity.
you have honoured me.
you have honour,
you have,
given,
given me love,
given me love in the depths of my heart.
trusted me to capture your most special day.
trusted me to capture,
trusted me,

2010-12-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

an itch,
itches made of blistered palms
taking the stem of the branch
and twistingtwistingtwisting me
i am only as lonely as you imagine me to be
he is happiness at its fullest degree
and where i am is my peace
peaceful winter waves that take me to the sea
just by glancing through the branches of the barren trees

i am honoured,
you have honoured me,

2010-12-12T14:23:00.001-08:00

Praise upon the many whom deserve a second chance./Careful of the graces in which are granted to you/Its so easy to tell where my footprints have gone/I just want to hear her sing to me, again and again/We are turning away from cloudy reminders/She is singing from her inner beauty (how beautiful she is)/ Words will never replicate the feeling she gives/When poetry graces her lips/Bring me to the backyard again and show me where the patches of snow have melted/And you told me you hated yourself/For decisions that cannot be untamed/I told you to be free/Embrace what you have been given/I told you not to abandon me/We will forever be, my friend/Forever bonded in space and time/Forgetting obstacles, and being true to those who mean the most/I'll never forget how you confided in me/Trusting me more than family/You'll never know how much that means to me/And I'll never forget how the winter stung my toes

2010-12-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

Snowflakes,

2010-12-11T09:29:00.000-08:00

2010-12-11T09:16:00.000-08:00

2010-12-11T09:13:00.000-08:00

Hey hey hey, the end is near
On a good day you can see the end from here
But I won't turn back, now, though the way is clear
I will stay for the remainder

I saw a life, and I called it mine
I saw it, drawn so sweet and fine
And I had begun to fill in all the lines
Right down to what we'd name her

Our nature does not change by will
In the winter, 'round the ruined mill
The creek is lying, flat and still
It is water though it's frozen

So across the years and miles, and through
On a good day, you can feel my love for you
Will you leave me be, so that we can stay true
To the path that you have chosen

2010-12-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

Oh Glory Glory, Hallelujah.

Praise the demon that is within.
Where times are tough, and I save you from utter embarrassment.
You would have been utterly dependent on me.

A mild case of OD,
and I would have been alone for years
Do you believe in me?

You have me by the coat tails on my winter garments
You take me by the wrists

PUSH DOWN;

anger fuels the fire of the alcoholic mind
abuse fills the heart

i have been abused before,

No Pain,

2010-12-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had to write words to someone who would die in a few short moments.
It is hard telling someone, that everything will be okay.
How insincere.
How do you tell someone that you love them, when you haven't spoke in years?

How do you tell someone they are loved deeply, without an ounce of shredded emotion?
I am writing to tell you that you are dear to me,
I am telling you that you will experience more than I must ever imagine.

And in the very least, I am sure
You will feel no pain.

2010-12-03T11:32:00.001-08:00

When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence. - Ansel Adams

2010-11-29T17:29:00.000-08:00

Hey, Hey
What Can I Do?

2010-11-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

Stronger Ties,
Through Stronger Lies
We will pretend that it is all nothing

I will feel ashamed,
and they will feel my pain

I will return home again

2010-11-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

Soon we will have what we had.
I love you.

Homesick,

2010-11-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

I am learning so much from me (you)
This is a new level

I want to thank you
For the things you taught me

1. How to appreciate: what one does/ has done
2. To survive no matter what
3. To not trust, ever again
4. How to truly love and respect
5. Hatred; and the jealousy it brings
6. Where and when to express love (or mere interest)
7. Appreciation of what one has

In all your evil deeds- I have become strong
I feel the glow (and the wind must follow)

I am at peace, and so abundantly peaceful

2010-11-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

words have been so rare
music has taken me to
somewhere with rolling hills and trees that sway
take me breathe of mother nature and put me
where simplicity reigns

I am alone here
and I feel free

2010-10-13T09:40:00.001-07:00

ENVISION/REVISION

2010-10-13T09:23:00.000-07:00

i have to catch eyes with you again

and tell you lies to make me stronger

i will pretend in time again

that you never hurt what was the better part of all of me

(together, we will pain)

you never focused on anything other than you (and i will witness that again)

long awaited touching will never come

because it is i, that made the decision (sometimes i fell back on my decision)

uncontrolled by what i knew of emotion

you took me into your arms and it felt good again

you told me that we couldnt be what could be

and i told you that i didn't mind (i cared, too much)

it was nothing, and we were nothing

and the mind wandered into ideas of eternal satisfaction and glow

euphoric endeavours with you until our days would become light (we would grow old,)

in body/mind/soul i would take you full-heartedly

perpetually, no matter fault nor aberration

i loved, and love is hard to come by (at least for me)

2010-10-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

uninspired,

so wittingly so.

it is hard to tell her what truths are at the tip of my tounge.

i will bite down

in order to keep peace around

when i dance, and i dance so feverishly... there is no one around but me

and when they see, they see... a gleam of light portrayed in circle patterns

and this is where i am alone

and i am concentrated on something of importance (at least, to me)

the shutter feels different under my finger, and the paintings don't come

the words don't flow directly, and they are without pattern

my words spoken are clouded and that of mockery

and i still can't get over the fact that you are as selfish as you are

2010-10-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

I opened into a new. I told secrets that were always concealed by tough exterior. You never knew this, and you never knew me. I never told you, and i Never told her. I am feeling weak now, without my interior thoughts. I told you over records, switching, frantically trying to find what it was that i was needing in that moment. Its cloudy now. I told you I wondered where he was. I told you i wondered what it was that made him happy. I remember telling you about the time that he beat me so bad i bled, curled up in the shower stall, hiding my face. always hiding myself. up to that point where my mother spoke of this i hadn't remembered. i drove away all of the pain because its easier. its always easier for people to remember the good things about people when they die. no one wants to remember the bad.

He spoke one last time and said "I am so lucky, to have what I have, and I feel like I am finally happy with life."

then he died,

peacefully/painfully

things never make sense to me

2010-10-05T16:32:00.002-07:00

It smells like paint inside my entry way. I own an entry way now. Where the walls are lined with ceiling and the front door can take your mind and twirl it into circles. I enter into my new life, where I can hear the waves, and they accompany me. (I always told myself I would live near water.) The ocean separates me the way that most luxuries can't but I can live with the waves of this lake. I can still slip away into the night and dream about different places on earth I could pretend to be. My hair never blows in the wind anymore, and I have never felt so grounded. I am still free in my being, but no longer without a home. I am still travelling, still glowing, still gliding across spaces, but now I have a place for everything I own. I own things now.

2010-10-05T16:32:00.001-07:00

With your hair tied back so you can see,

all around you the clouded imagery of friendship

windy trails, soon will turn to snow

and i am there

watching windy trails consume you (don't let it consume you)

the depths of the streets-all leading down to the waters edge

where i live now

i spend my nights dancing on the beach

in bare feet i am sinking my toes

i wish there was others-soon there will be others (she told me)

you are much too powerful,

and she is much too evil,

and i am much too fragile,

and we are much too kind,

and he is much too beautiful,

and they are much too cynical

no one cares, about the world that you think you live in (or how loudly you speak,)

2010-09-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

TO WILDERNESS:

I AM YOURS

FOREVER,
CARINA

2010-09-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

and just when i think im alone,

he tells me he is right here with me

2010-09-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

pictures of you that just look foolish,
i was always the one to look foolish
now i am sinking myself into couches
that are my own (i own things now,)

i have a home,
i have a place that i can live and let live
a garden i will tend to,
a puppy i will love as much as myself (and him, i love him)

we will spend this time together
holding hands
he will take me
where you never could, (you never took me anywhere i ever wanted to be)
and we will make sense of it all,

together, we will make sense of it all

2010-09-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

SOMETIMES I HAVE UNDERWATER CLARITY

it overcomes you,
thrives on your inner being
and takes over every emotion
you've ever been able to explain

depths of hundreds,
and the worries of none other than a newborn child
the sea enraptures me
(and so many others before us...)

and only sometimes, can you capture it on film

.

2010-09-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

He disappears so quickly, that it worries me
he catches me completely,
and it worries me

i concentrate till morning time
when the sun does kiss the ground
and spend the nights full of worry,
minding my feet on your lawn

i want to let you know that
i am feeling like its time to let you know that
i am ready to to let you know that:

1. mistakes, have been made
under markings of punctured skin and dis-embarking on paths that should have never been taken (i should have never went that way again;)

2. time, has been taken
i will never take the time to give you my time;

3. breathing you in, is causing me cancer
telling myself that your presence is one that can be handled, by the weakened hearted-such as myself is a lie;

i must no longer lie,
i must no longer pretend,
i must no longer proceed into the deep end

where so many of us have drowned before
he has drowned before me

symbolism of future endeavors/symbolism of past mistakes

2010-09-18T01:16:00.000-07:00

the house is moaning,
save me to savour,
you
i am off in time
distance is nothing but a mirage,

help the sorrow
that i bring
to the table,

where are we?

reading words of yesterday
they are unforgiving
remember that i told you i would stay here

2010-09-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY:
SORRY;

his fancy nights,

2010-09-15T15:24:00.000-07:00

I'll be fine,
Normal thoughts, and normal praise
HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE
pretend that there is nothing in disarray,
I am FULL OF GOLDEN MEMORIES
sitting on my throne of mistakes.

Take the time,
watch your step before you end up gnidaeh sdrawkcab

its easy to start heading backwards.

Look out at the stars, there are many
my head is filled with wonder

where did you go?
I am the one who went, i know
little hopes, little dreams
deterrent, forsaken me

we will look, and i will hope, i will hope for you and me

2010-09-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

A feeling so good, that I might get up and scream
All of these things are new beauty to me,
Feelings of past lovers, drift out to sea
Him and I are alone with the tide

New places, new lives, new love

2010-09-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

2010-09-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

2010-09-13T15:24:00.001-07:00

Men,

2010-09-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

This is Jess,
She is beautiful.

2010-09-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

If I could chose,
the path I was given.
It would be without pain from him.
And without the greed of you.

If I could chose,
the life that I could lead.
I wouldn't speak a word of thought to you.

You are selfish, uncaring, and so involved in your own head
That it leaves others feeling hurt, broken and used by you

I never touch foot, where I am not wanted
I am happy to be unwanted by you.

Once my success comes,
I will have nothing to do with you.

2010-09-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I never expected anything from you, selfish woman.

2010-09-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

2010-09-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Lomo-ing,

I'm Back,

2010-09-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

and really quite happy about it,

windless,

2010-08-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

cold fate
take me into your arms
this is where i subside
life will take me by the hand once more
and explain to me
that this is it
its time for me to understand
this is as far as we will take you
the angel said to me
its up to you now
to brace your wings
and hope for glory
and touch the moon
and kiss the sun
as long as you understand

YOUAREFREENOW

i grasp my tides
and stretch full stride
i am ready i declare,

IAMREADY

one step into the wind
the wind i have believed in for so long,
the wind that has carried me for all these years
one step into a breeze
that takes me

plummeting
falling
failure
uncertainty

you failed me,

2010-08-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

you will never know
again how much i feel
nor will you ever know
again this that is love
for no lonely soul
will ever love you like i do
no lonely soul
will give their all
i am alone in this game of now
and something tells me where to draw the line
into heaps of nothing
and souls of thorns
my words go unappreciated (mostly by me,)
and i continue to stand alone
cant you see im hurting?
you turn your head and sigh at me
a pain ive felt so many times before
you turn your head and grit your teeth
unbearable i am to you
how embarrassing
to me i feel all of the reap
i am standing in shadows
where soft voices speak and tell me nothing
but where do i go?

BIRTHDAY

2010-08-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

meaningless apologies...
i spread wings, into dreams
where i soar above you
ive never been above you before,
if one could fly,so high SOVERYHIGH
i could make amends with the sky
and tell papa that im sorry
and tell gramma that im older (and wiser)
i'd tell stu that i wish i'd known more
and g'pa that he taught me well
let derek know he's missed,
and savanah she's still beautiful
rachel that i adored her,
and tammy that her baby will be strong
while the world does carry on
while the world does sing its song
burdens strong

i can still remember when love was easy,
and we used to get along
five years slips by so easily
but not without pain,never will i live without pain

Rest In Peace
Leonard Mark Fleming
1958-2004

2010-08-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

I AM WALKING UNKNOWINGLY INTO T
HE UNKNOWN WHERE THERE IS NO LONGER ROOM FOR THE TWO OF US. I AM CREATI
ON AND SHE IS WHERE YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU COULD CARE ABOUT SOMETHING AS BORING AS THE PAPER SHE PLACES BETW
EEN THE SHEETS OF LUST. SHE DOES NOTHING FOR YOUR MIND AND I CR
EATE MORE THAN SHE EVER WILL. STIM
ULATION IS THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP AND YOU ARE NO LON
GER STIMULATING ME. WHERE DO I G
ET OFF OF THIS TRAIN INTO NO WHERE.

carrying weight

2010-08-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

previous note:
number three

carrying weight
far beyond my means
i think in paces
i dream of places
where sticks and stones
create beauty in meaning
landscapes made in symmetry

what WONDER!
what HOW!
create me beautiful mother of everything
take me great wonders of our world,
tell him to hold my hand
when we fall down cliffs based on lies and arguements
that neither of us enjoy
i want to kiss, so i faulter
i want to make love, so i break words
into meanings that don`t exist
into times that are surreal
while i co-exist

im sorry, cloudless sky
im sorry, endless night
im sorry, ex lover of mine

yesterday i felt

2010-08-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

previous notes:

number two

yesterday i felt
the pain of knowing
i will never touch
(you again)
i am embarassed
i am worn
into small woven pieces that tread in stagnent waters
i am alone in my haven
i am longing for your touch to tell me
that you are there
(you are everywhere)
i am engulfed in your shadow
i carry so much pain
i told you i would do anything
that i am living unrealistically without gain
(without you)
i am lying to myself
i need
I NEED
WHAT must one do in order to figure out where
their next footprint should go
i am walking into lands of pavement and you
will never f i n d m e a g a i n

removal of oneself
is what i must do
in order to stop
loving you

how

2010-08-01T13:23:00.001-07:00

previous notes:

number one

where do i start
im confused
i dont know where to head
straight back
always straight to the back
keep your head up
watch your footing
and make markings to show
where you have been
look back if you need to
but only for a moment
act strong when he sees you
dont fall or crumble,
dont panic or tremble,
and no matter what you do, someone
will always beat you
she will always beat you
he will always beat you
and you will never be good enough
for him

2010-07-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

i am needing missing
something

2010-07-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

2010-07-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

so easy to spludrge words onto paper with pen in markings that mean nothing to anyone but me i am crazy and unfufilled and curidsous as to how you wrdite sentances to lovers that you have would never mention tov me i am always thinking ahead about answer s that are happening even when the break of dawn comes gand you are sthe firsst thing isee in the morning i could care less about what happens to others but you coudl care less about what happens to me my emotions me ban nothing and i am always out of line you arealways asking me for things that are not what i signed up for and not what i can refflay onto anyone other than someone who is dependant on someone even theough they are not awhat they thought about nor what they believe i feel like i am wondering through the woods over and over again only to end up somewhere whehre there is nothing to help me nothing to love me nothing to tell me that it is aall going to be OK i am scare d of this i am scared of you i am scared of a furture that consits of nothing but wonder and regret i am living for now and telling myselfk that it is alwl going to be something that i had hoped for but i can not change what is what is whatis what is what is awhat is is what is is what i is

Where?

2010-07-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Where am I?
and why am i alone?
take care of my thoughts sir, i miss your rough hands
and the way you took care,
you were always there when i needed you
silently

i look to the skies and ask questions
that never seem to be answered but i know you are trusting me to learn on my own
i can do it all on my own
straighten up, little girl

stronger/longer/better/harder/fix me into something that you would be proud of

i am feeling indifferent,
i am feeling lonlier than expected
but it is ok, it is easy to straight face

i am WONDERING where you are TAKING me
my FEET are aching for an ANSWER that will cure EVERYTHING that ails me

how am i EVER going to WALK away from this, and from you
from my PAST and my PRESENT i am wanting to be AWAY from situations such as these

falling out of love is so much harder, than falling in love
why has man not discovered some sort of cure
for this disease, that i believe is love

2010-06-14T20:05:00.001-07:00

it is easier to remember dreams
that last only for mere hours
moments
seconds
minutes in which i remember dreaming of dreaming of you
i am young,
i am fragile
broken in boots and worn out emotions
bring night time terror and
forgotten mornings,

2010-06-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

eyes that see eyes,
that see (dark) eyes,
determine fate
we are not old
old skin tastes bitter in my cup
cup of knowing (where i am) where am i?
take the road that leads to hell
each morning we are forgiven
remembered only by our mistakes, and not by our efforts
create pain/anger
given to me (i am i am i am,
please keep me unaware of what pain i will subside against)
i will take away your pain and anger
but only momentarily will it release into regret and unwillingness to reciprocate anything that is beauty
beautiful

2010-06-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

holga/dream town

world i believe in

with you

tak eme

2010-06-05T19:04:00.003-07:00

2010-06-05T19:04:00.001-07:00

2010-06-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

2010-06-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

Trees in Holga Format,

2010-06-05T18:43:00.001-07:00

i am taking a break,

from time

from irrational thinking

from mis-spoken words

i am taking a br bre brea break from you now

little girl

so tough

2010-06-05T18:39:00.001-07:00

he feeds me, as i feed me
as i feed him, me
he lies, and i lie, and we lie
and we lay,
and we take, from each other what neither soul can give
among words
we forsake what is given
i know she is out there,
he mentioned 'love' to me
but not in relation to me
i am told often enough
that enough is enough
and its taking me literally,
bring me home, lord

tell the seasons i am changing with them
and that i understand
and also know,
he will change too

2010-05-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

Time for you to fade
fadefade fadefadefadetaderaderadefade
phony

fade into a distance where no one searches

Lover, I am holding you so close
so close
I am so happy I have found someone so perfectly pefect me
you are stunning, child
blue eyes that bring me to somewhere I know nothing

glow,

Glow!

2010-05-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

So much l o v e

Just because you think you can,
I am not bitter, you just b o r e

m e

a n d everyone

so much endless friendships that are t r u e

You hurt without even knowing you hurt
then you put yourself on some pedistal where you think
you k n o w

but no
oh no

for someone who has gone no where
and someone who has experienced n o t h ing
you say so m u c h
that means so l I t t l e

maybe you need an adventure
alone
experience something
so you know what true love is

so much l o v e
for those who are
t r u e

Here is to a life without l I e s f r o m y o u

IAMHAPPY

you still know nothing, silly girl

leaf blow,

2010-05-03T01:09:00.000-07:00

withered to pieces,
time to grow old

bored with your sense of hierarchy,
taunted by your loss of life
wonder and amaze cause for effect of loneliness, (doesn't it?)

whisper another lie, into an ear of a "friend"
a friend who you believe
tells you truths

who tells me truths
years surpassing those you believe in

try and form continuing praise over repetition
originality is hard for you it seems,

life seems helpless to him

a comforting ear, she lends
waiting her turn to express her same feelings.
she never lies

see me seeing through you.
everyone sees through you.

and when i listen to you, the leaves blow
repetition, repetition, repetition
striving soon becomes starvation

I take comfort in the fact, that you know nothing about me.

2010-05-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

HE IS THE ONE
THAT I KEEP TELLING MYSELF LIES ABOUT

2010-05-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

its livable,
its comfortable,
its manageable
for a periodic moment, release yourself into consistant blasphemy,
i am so weary, of being tired, of being weary
(of you)

unparalleled universe of me
take me upon a midnight ride
to fields of imagery and blank canvases
teach me how to paint trees with leaves
and backgrounds of faint symmetry

tell me when you will arrive at the station to bring me to the land of the lost souls, lost torment, broken hopes and fears of a newer them. a new life, a new release. somewhere where they can feel free. free to run, free to conquer. disintegrate their dreams, one by one. tethered disposition.

hold me closer, push push free.

mentality only takes me into its realm when i am sad and crying,

2010-05-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

creative talk,
its all on paper
im sick of hearing what you think

is music (anything is music, you know)

like the keys i type,
the juice i drink,

the click of the button upon release of a memory

2010-05-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

so tired of your trigger pattern love stories,
don't tell me where you think i belong
don't tell me what im doing to him
or where you believe i should stand

you are alone, and lonely
devil on the shoulder
you are dying to be heard,
but everyone is tired of listening to you

2010-04-28T21:48:00.001-07:00

i feel better when im accompanied
by a soul as touched as mine
as quiet

as the sun rises

she breathes deeply,
in order to let calm seep in
the pounding of her heart she is enduring
isn't one of good faith

go away, demons...
i am the one who has called on you

i am not comfortable in regret

place me nowhere,
find where i have not been recently,
send me backwards

everything that is everything, is my own fault

2010-04-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

2010-04-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

I understand that there is living,
life, compassion
preemptive lovers

and even when i am feeling lonely, i know that i have been lonelier.

(i break down pieces of my life into sections)

in order to keep track of the good ones,
and place them in a different location in my mind
than the bad

(there is more good, im sure)

but its easier, when you feel freedom,
than when you bask in others glorified lives

(where you know they are just lonely soldiers too,)

i feel ok,
i am feeling ok, today